You caught me. I’ll confess. There are moments when I am convinced I am just not good enough. Moments where I feel so far short of the mark that I’m certain God would be better off moving on. Too honest? Probably, but maybe you can relate? Have you ever have moments where you wonder why God chose you? Maybe you’re in ministry and you feel inadequate. You could be a member of the worship team and are convinced you don’t belong. It could be a simple as the fact that God somehow saw fit to allow YOU to be a Christian. I mean, if He really knew everything that wouldn’t have happened, right? Except that He does and it did.
Why do we have these doubts?
Last week I had one of those prayer times that started off good, but the further in I got the more frustrated I became. This doesn’t happen often to me, but when it does it is so agonizing because I know what it’s like to go in burdened and come out light and I can’t understand the occasions when it just doesn’t seem to work right. That morning my mind was bringing up all of my inadequacies, unbelievably aware of all my shortcomings. I love the Word of God, but it just felt like promises for someone better than me.
Still, I know His Word is true. How I feel in any given moment doesn’t negate the power of His Word, nor disable me to stand firm on His promises. I chose to end my time that morning by shutting off my wandering thoughts and reminding myself of my sonship in Christ and simply asking God to have His way.
Perhaps there’s been enough honesty in this post already, but the truth is the older I get the less confidence I feel in anything, yet, somehow the more trust I have in the Lord. I don’t know that, as of now, I have the words for exactly what I mean by that. I doubt my reasoning skills, my knowledge, my decision making, my ability, my emotions. I don’t always have a lot of confidence that things will work out, even when I’m certain I’m doing what God is asking me.
Still, I trust the Lord. Even if the outcome isn’t what I’d hope for, the responsibility is His. A lot of times we think we have faith in God, but really we have faith in a positive outcome and when the outcome isn’t what we want or expected we don’t know what to do with that. I’m learning that It doesn’t matter if I feel “good enough”. It doesn’t matter if things go my way or if they seem to blow up in my face. He has still chosen me. It doesn’t matter if I deem myself “worthy” or not. He still loves me.
Perhaps this is surrender. Giving up all my ideas and understanding, giving up my expectation that things will always work out and simply trusting the Father to complete the work He started in me. I truly have no hope in myself. Only in the hope of the cross can there be anything of worth produced in my life.
Except that even with that understanding, I still find myself from time to time feeling like I haven’t done enough. I know my salvation has nothing to do with my own righteousness and everything to do with His grace, yet I still feel like I haven’t prayed hard enough or that I have to do more in order to measure up.
I’ve always had a passion for the Lord, and I want to always be passionate about the things of God. Still, there are moments when I catch myself relying too much on my own driven nature rather than the strength that is found in surrendering to the strength only He can give. I find myself relating to the people of Israel in Paul’s letter to the Romans.
Romans 10:1-4 (NLT) Dear brothers and sisters, the longing of my heart and my prayer to God is for the people of Israel to be saved.2 I know what enthusiasm they have for God, but it is misdirected zeal. 3 For they don’t understand God’s way of making people right with himself. Refusing to accept God’s way, they cling to their own way of getting right with God by trying to keep the law. 4 For Christ has already accomplished the purpose for which the law was given. As a result, all who believe in him are made right with God.
I pray that I will not have misdirected zeal. That kind of zeal leads to more insecurity and self-sufficiency. When I truly surrender, I have peace in my soul. I walk with quiet confidence knowing that nothing can separate me from God’s unrelenting love.